And now what?

I stepped on the scale this morning... 120.5lbs

That's half a pound away from my goal weight.

I am really happy. Sure it's not as impressive as what some of my friends are accomplishing in this area but I am happy. It means that my hard work is paying off. I feel better both physically and psychologically.

I fit in my pre-Kitten clothes now! Woohoo! I was actually 122lbs when I got pregnant with him.

But now what? Do I set another goal?

118lbs? Maybe... 115lbs? hum....

I know that at 110lbs I look like a lollipop, big head on a stick. That does not look good it looks funny. I don't want to look funny.

On the other hand I don't want to dance my little victory dance and just lost all the good habits I have worked to integrate into my life. I enjoy working out. I do enjoy the feeling at the end of the day when I have gotten an awesome nutrition quotient from the food tracking software I am using.

So what do I do... just track without a goal? Do I aim for a truly low expectation goal like a 2 lbs loss over 12 months? Do I keep at it but indulge a little more frequently?

What do people do once they reach their weight goal? What's next?

The Albatross

Doing a PhD is tough. You need to be brilliant. You need dedicated. You need to be able to focus and think about being brilliant and dedicated.

Regardless of your situation it's not easy. It's basically a big white dead sea bird hanging around your neck.

Add to that two kids, a husband, a job, house and family responsibilities, etc... and it becomes nigh impossible.

My batteries are running on empty. Actually I think they are fully empty... not quite sure what I am running on right now... momentum?

Well my PhD has been there, around my neck for close to a decade now. My albatross is beyond putrid to tell the truth. I want to get rid of it so badly but the more I try to pry it off, shake it loose, the more it seems to stick to me. And like any decomposing carcass it not only stinks but it is starting to affect everything else around me.

The mariner's companions are all dead... well the clinical member on my committee is in any case. That tells you how long this thing has been decomposing for....

For the past 3 months I have been coming to this office pretty much every day and what do I have to show for it? Maybe 2 new pages for my introduction. That's sad and stupid. I might as well stay home, go to the gym, learn Mandarin or something. It is such a big huge waste of my life.

Finishing this degree will give me an additional 3 letters after my name, a piece of paper (always useful to have in case you need to start a fire in an emergency) and the sense of satisfaction of finishing what I started. But that's about it. This research has basically no real impact. No one will read my work apart from my committee members. It will not change the world. Honestly it won't change anything.

It will not give me a better job.

It will not give me a better salary.

It will not significantly affect my life apart from getting rid of this decomposing sea bird carcass around my neck.

I tell everyone who will listen that I want to quit that I have nothing left in me to write. That this is going no where and only serving in making my life miserable. No one listens.

3 weeks ago I told DH that I was seeing my supervisor to tell him I was quitting. It was kind of a relief. DH convinved me to wait until we got back from vacation. Now he has forgotten all about it. It never even happened. He just wants me to finish but provides no support whatsoever. I don't think it's fair and I do resent him for it but I don't talk to him about it so it just festers.... my fault.

How long can you keep a dead albatross hanging from your neck? Even the mariner's ended up falling off by itself... I don't see how I can get rid of mine anytime soon...

So I keep climbing on this raft every day... watching the cursor blink at me...

I know I need to do something. I think anything would be better than this, yet I drift on...

Random thoughts: The Albatross as a metaphor comes from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge. It's actually a pretty cool poem. Iron Maiden also reprised his poem and DH wrote about that in one of his high school essays... I do not like Iron Maiden or heavy metal in general... Random thoughts as I said...

These days...

I look at all my friends' mariages lately. Some are falling apart or going through very challenging times. What makes a good mariage and what keeps a good mariage?

Is it the guy? Is it the girl? Is it simply the combination of two unique beings who find each other amongst a see of random faces? Random luck? or is it work? or both?

A lot of my friends seem to have awesome mariages. Two souls striving for the same goals, dreaming the same dream, supporting each other through it all. Both cherishing the children that they have, sharing the burdens and the joys. Loving each other.

These days I feel empty.

I know I should feel lucky. I have 2 beautiful boys. I have financial security. Our family is healthy. I have a fexible job which is enough to keep my mind occupied but lets me enjoy my children too. There are no issues of drugs, alcohol, debt or adultery.

And yet I don't feel fulfilled. Is it me? Is it him?

Am I hoping for an unattainable Nirvana? If I got some of what I want would I still feel this way? Is it part of my nature to be unhappy with what I have, to forever strive for more?

Maybe... but I don't think so...

I still am filled with sadness these days because I believe that DH is all about himself. I do understand that we each need to be independent but where does selfishness actually start? Is it normal that he has no clue what my hopes and dreams are? That he doesn't even seem to think I have any?

Because I do and not all of them include my children. There are places I want to see in this life and things I want to experience but I can't remember the last time he asked about that. I was a person with a full life before him. Having children did change me profoundly but the person who I was is not dead, she just evolved.

Why do I have to be the one to be responsible for everything? He helps but only when he feels like it which to me is not being responsible at all.

Should I just grin and bear it, forget it and move on? Should I just call it quits? Should I bring it up so it starts a fight? I hate confrontations, especially this type of confrontation, where he will bring up all my faults and failings which will in turn push me to bring up more of his. Nothing will be resolved, nothing ever is... we just sling mud at each other. Not huge amounts mind you nor very violently. I don't think we ever really raised our voices at each other... ever... but it's still a lot of dirty muck flinging and then the stuff just stays there and festers for days... until we both forget about it somewhat... but it still is there... just less visible.

We never are able to discuss things without one of us feeling like they lost. And that makes me feel really sad. And that's where I am these days....

The Gift of Multilocation

Kitten seems to be blessed with the gift of bilocation: the ability of being in more than one place at a time. How else can one explain that in the time it took me to feed Muffin his breakfast Kitten found the time to write his name (yeah!) in pencil all up and down the stairway walls and on his playroom door, empty all 40 boxes of my summer shoes (yes yes I know that is way too many shoes to own but that will be th esubject of another post), unravel 2 cassette tapes, and upturn my jewelry drawer????

Ok some maybe he is gifted with multilocation because I don't think bilocation would quite cut it in this case?

Yes I am having a tough morning. Espen is away for 8 days and Kitten always acts out in the first few days, but this is more than he has ever done in the past.

In a way I feel kind of bad for Kitten, because I know he really didn't do any of it out of anger or to hurt anyone. I guess he was just "exploring" his world. I am even proud that he was able to spell his name correctly and recognizibly one 3 occasions. I just wish it wasn't on our walls and a wooden door. Luckily it is in pencil, now I just have to find an erasure and pray that I don't damage anything removing his signature.

I did give Kitten a wipe an made him scrub the pencil off and he did manage to remove a lot of it. I also insisted that he tell me why we aren't to write on any walls, or floors, or anything that is not paper and sanctioned by a grown up!

Then we put back all of the shoes in their boxes.

My jewelry box I will have to deal with when both kids are napping though it doesn't seem that anything is missing.

In a way I am happy that Espen is away because I don't think he would have taken it very well. Hopefully by the time he finds out it will only be a cute story with no consequences.

I had told him that if he were good today that we would go for a walk with Muffin and maybe check out the "ice cream" place. Of course he definitely has NOT been good but I am still dying for ice cream. I think that is one of the things I find the hardest about parenting: that YOU always end up punishing yourself for the sake of your kids.

And yes when Kitten will be rolling on the ground saying he wants ice cream, in my heart and head I will be right there beside him wanting to scream: me too!

I still wonder how anyone can produce so much mischief in so little time! Are all little kids able to be in multiple places at once and do we lose this ability as we grow? I do wish I could be in more than one place at once as I am sure all mothers do.

Cake Traditions

For all the people who asked me about making my own birthday cake: we have a tradition at home which started the summer that Felix turned 2 and we were having our kitchen renovated. Espen was great a built us a fully functioning kitchen in the dining room with fridge, range, dishwasher and sink, but there just wasn't room enough for serious pastry making so for Kitten's birthday I took him to pick out a cake at our grocery store (he picked one that had Bob the builder).

For Espen's birthday 3 weeks later we obviously still did not have a kitchen (that only came the following Christmas) so again I took Kitten to pick a cake for Espen and that time we got one with a car. Well that is also about the time that Kitten's long term memory kicked in and now whenever there is a birthday (ANY birthday) Kitten insisted on picking out a cake.

So for all my beautiful and yummy cakes, we never have any homemade ones for our birthdays :-(

Kitten finds my cakes way too grown up and boring. I guess I should try getting into the whole sculpting and fondant thing but just haven't yet. Partly because I am afraid that if he picks one out of my plethora of cook books and mine doesn't end up looking exactly like the book picture, that he will be disappointed. Perhaps a little silly but I guess I feel a wee bit insecure about my artistic talent.

The picture at the top of this post (oh why oh why can't I figure out how to poast another at the bottom of the post?????) was the last cake I did make for a friend's birthday though: a white chocolate, lemon and blueberry (with real blueberries) chiffon with lemon curd filling and a white chocolate-lemon-cream cheese frosting. I made some candied lemon peel for the top.

Very very yummy, but incredibly boring according to my 3 year old ;-)

The best birthday ever!

I had the best birthday ever yesterday!

Of course I got woken up at an ungodly hour by Kitten but he did stay the entire night in his bed so that was ok. He was just too excited and wanted to give me a perfume that he picked out (with Espen's help). It was the Poison Midnight that I have been wanting for a very long time (I usually wear Tendre Poison and am a total Dior girl).

After that the day just kept getting better. First of all it was absolutely gorgeous outside and we actually reach 10°C in the sun for the first time this year!

My favorite restaurant which had been closed for close to a year suddenly reopened under a new incarnation (same chef, different location and furnishings). Now I am a complete Ethiopian food addict and have been craving it ever since it closed. Dh took me there on a wonderful date on my birthday's eve and we set up a take out order for the next day. The chef prepared all my favorites just like he used to. It was absolutely awesome.

And no I did not end up getting a "boy" cake. Felix picked out a cake with a dancing Sleeping Beauty and her Prince (funny how the men in fairy tales never have names ). I will write more on the cake story tomorrow! He said I was a princess and that I was beautiful. I think that was the first time he said it to me. It just melted my heart!

One of my friends that has had a very difficult year and experienced a loss I couldn't even fathom just announced yesterday that she was expecting again. That was simply the best news! You cannot imagine how happy that made me.

The electronic community I belong to also seems to be coming together again after some bumpy times and that is also a wonderful gift for which I am so very grateful.

As far as presents go, Espen and my best friend went a little overboard: they got me the Kitchen Aid Professional 600 stand mixer for which I have been pining for over a year.

But that's not all, it turns out Espen bought it in the US when he was in DC last week-end because of course it is so much cheaper on Amazon.com but Amazon.com doesn't ship anything but books to Canada. So he had it shipped to his hotel the week before he was going there with his Dad for a father and son bonding trip.

The kicker is that the plan was on Sunday to spend the day at the Dulles airport airplane museum (or something like that) because they are both airplane freaks before they boarded their plane back to Montreal. Well Espen shows up there with this huge box (15"X12"X17" and weighing over 31 lbs!!!!). The box did not fit the lockers they had at the entrance of the museum and security refused to "babysit" the box.

The only thing they offered Espen was to lend him a wheel chair so that he could carry the box with his. Now the image of that just had me rolling on the floor laughing. Espen really used all his problem skills though to try to engineer another "more dignified solution".

He took the mixer, attachment, styrofoam packing material out of the box, stuffed them into a locker and then pleaded with security to "babysit" the empty box which they begrudgingly agreed to do after much pleading.

Isn't that a great story? I am just so in love with Espen. I just love him so much, especially since he has given me the bestest presents ever over the past 4 years: Kitten and Muffin. I really feel that our family is really coming together now and that is probably what makes my days so very extraordinary, not just yesterday but every morning I wake up.

My best friend also got me a gorgeous jelwelry set which prompted all the "you are beautiful mommy" comments from Kitten.

Oh and Muffin, with all his 7 months of life, was also extreemely giving yesterday if you know what I mean ;-)

I am just so very blessed! I'm not sure how anything could ever beat this day!

Fear of the number 3

This is my new discipline method with Kitten and it is working like a charm.

If I want him to do anything I tell him he has until the count of 3 in order to do it ... "or else". By the count of 1 he will usually rush to do whatever it was that was asked while saying "no no don't say 3".

I'm not quite sure why it works so well. We have gotten to 3 a few times and the only thing I did was either do it myself while I glared (e.g. turning off the TV) or picking him up and taking him to his room (e.g. when I asked him to get dressed for school). There was never any hitting or anything yet he seems genuily terrified by the number 3.

I have heard of triskaidekaphobia but never a phobia of the number 3.

Am I damaging my child irreparably by encouraging this fear?
Will the fear of the number 3 ever subside and let him live a happy, healthy and productive life?

Interestingly 3 is my personal favorite number....

Well that was a lot about nothing but at least it is letting me start blogging again.