These days...

I look at all my friends' mariages lately. Some are falling apart or going through very challenging times. What makes a good mariage and what keeps a good mariage?

Is it the guy? Is it the girl? Is it simply the combination of two unique beings who find each other amongst a see of random faces? Random luck? or is it work? or both?

A lot of my friends seem to have awesome mariages. Two souls striving for the same goals, dreaming the same dream, supporting each other through it all. Both cherishing the children that they have, sharing the burdens and the joys. Loving each other.

These days I feel empty.

I know I should feel lucky. I have 2 beautiful boys. I have financial security. Our family is healthy. I have a fexible job which is enough to keep my mind occupied but lets me enjoy my children too. There are no issues of drugs, alcohol, debt or adultery.

And yet I don't feel fulfilled. Is it me? Is it him?

Am I hoping for an unattainable Nirvana? If I got some of what I want would I still feel this way? Is it part of my nature to be unhappy with what I have, to forever strive for more?

Maybe... but I don't think so...

I still am filled with sadness these days because I believe that DH is all about himself. I do understand that we each need to be independent but where does selfishness actually start? Is it normal that he has no clue what my hopes and dreams are? That he doesn't even seem to think I have any?

Because I do and not all of them include my children. There are places I want to see in this life and things I want to experience but I can't remember the last time he asked about that. I was a person with a full life before him. Having children did change me profoundly but the person who I was is not dead, she just evolved.

Why do I have to be the one to be responsible for everything? He helps but only when he feels like it which to me is not being responsible at all.

Should I just grin and bear it, forget it and move on? Should I just call it quits? Should I bring it up so it starts a fight? I hate confrontations, especially this type of confrontation, where he will bring up all my faults and failings which will in turn push me to bring up more of his. Nothing will be resolved, nothing ever is... we just sling mud at each other. Not huge amounts mind you nor very violently. I don't think we ever really raised our voices at each other... ever... but it's still a lot of dirty muck flinging and then the stuff just stays there and festers for days... until we both forget about it somewhat... but it still is there... just less visible.

We never are able to discuss things without one of us feeling like they lost. And that makes me feel really sad. And that's where I am these days....