And now what?

I stepped on the scale this morning... 120.5lbs

That's half a pound away from my goal weight.

I am really happy. Sure it's not as impressive as what some of my friends are accomplishing in this area but I am happy. It means that my hard work is paying off. I feel better both physically and psychologically.

I fit in my pre-Kitten clothes now! Woohoo! I was actually 122lbs when I got pregnant with him.

But now what? Do I set another goal?

118lbs? Maybe... 115lbs? hum....

I know that at 110lbs I look like a lollipop, big head on a stick. That does not look good it looks funny. I don't want to look funny.

On the other hand I don't want to dance my little victory dance and just lost all the good habits I have worked to integrate into my life. I enjoy working out. I do enjoy the feeling at the end of the day when I have gotten an awesome nutrition quotient from the food tracking software I am using.

So what do I do... just track without a goal? Do I aim for a truly low expectation goal like a 2 lbs loss over 12 months? Do I keep at it but indulge a little more frequently?

What do people do once they reach their weight goal? What's next?

The Albatross

Doing a PhD is tough. You need to be brilliant. You need dedicated. You need to be able to focus and think about being brilliant and dedicated.

Regardless of your situation it's not easy. It's basically a big white dead sea bird hanging around your neck.

Add to that two kids, a husband, a job, house and family responsibilities, etc... and it becomes nigh impossible.

My batteries are running on empty. Actually I think they are fully empty... not quite sure what I am running on right now... momentum?

Well my PhD has been there, around my neck for close to a decade now. My albatross is beyond putrid to tell the truth. I want to get rid of it so badly but the more I try to pry it off, shake it loose, the more it seems to stick to me. And like any decomposing carcass it not only stinks but it is starting to affect everything else around me.

The mariner's companions are all dead... well the clinical member on my committee is in any case. That tells you how long this thing has been decomposing for....

For the past 3 months I have been coming to this office pretty much every day and what do I have to show for it? Maybe 2 new pages for my introduction. That's sad and stupid. I might as well stay home, go to the gym, learn Mandarin or something. It is such a big huge waste of my life.

Finishing this degree will give me an additional 3 letters after my name, a piece of paper (always useful to have in case you need to start a fire in an emergency) and the sense of satisfaction of finishing what I started. But that's about it. This research has basically no real impact. No one will read my work apart from my committee members. It will not change the world. Honestly it won't change anything.

It will not give me a better job.

It will not give me a better salary.

It will not significantly affect my life apart from getting rid of this decomposing sea bird carcass around my neck.

I tell everyone who will listen that I want to quit that I have nothing left in me to write. That this is going no where and only serving in making my life miserable. No one listens.

3 weeks ago I told DH that I was seeing my supervisor to tell him I was quitting. It was kind of a relief. DH convinved me to wait until we got back from vacation. Now he has forgotten all about it. It never even happened. He just wants me to finish but provides no support whatsoever. I don't think it's fair and I do resent him for it but I don't talk to him about it so it just festers.... my fault.

How long can you keep a dead albatross hanging from your neck? Even the mariner's ended up falling off by itself... I don't see how I can get rid of mine anytime soon...

So I keep climbing on this raft every day... watching the cursor blink at me...

I know I need to do something. I think anything would be better than this, yet I drift on...

Random thoughts: The Albatross as a metaphor comes from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Coleridge. It's actually a pretty cool poem. Iron Maiden also reprised his poem and DH wrote about that in one of his high school essays... I do not like Iron Maiden or heavy metal in general... Random thoughts as I said...

These days...

I look at all my friends' mariages lately. Some are falling apart or going through very challenging times. What makes a good mariage and what keeps a good mariage?

Is it the guy? Is it the girl? Is it simply the combination of two unique beings who find each other amongst a see of random faces? Random luck? or is it work? or both?

A lot of my friends seem to have awesome mariages. Two souls striving for the same goals, dreaming the same dream, supporting each other through it all. Both cherishing the children that they have, sharing the burdens and the joys. Loving each other.

These days I feel empty.

I know I should feel lucky. I have 2 beautiful boys. I have financial security. Our family is healthy. I have a fexible job which is enough to keep my mind occupied but lets me enjoy my children too. There are no issues of drugs, alcohol, debt or adultery.

And yet I don't feel fulfilled. Is it me? Is it him?

Am I hoping for an unattainable Nirvana? If I got some of what I want would I still feel this way? Is it part of my nature to be unhappy with what I have, to forever strive for more?

Maybe... but I don't think so...

I still am filled with sadness these days because I believe that DH is all about himself. I do understand that we each need to be independent but where does selfishness actually start? Is it normal that he has no clue what my hopes and dreams are? That he doesn't even seem to think I have any?

Because I do and not all of them include my children. There are places I want to see in this life and things I want to experience but I can't remember the last time he asked about that. I was a person with a full life before him. Having children did change me profoundly but the person who I was is not dead, she just evolved.

Why do I have to be the one to be responsible for everything? He helps but only when he feels like it which to me is not being responsible at all.

Should I just grin and bear it, forget it and move on? Should I just call it quits? Should I bring it up so it starts a fight? I hate confrontations, especially this type of confrontation, where he will bring up all my faults and failings which will in turn push me to bring up more of his. Nothing will be resolved, nothing ever is... we just sling mud at each other. Not huge amounts mind you nor very violently. I don't think we ever really raised our voices at each other... ever... but it's still a lot of dirty muck flinging and then the stuff just stays there and festers for days... until we both forget about it somewhat... but it still is there... just less visible.

We never are able to discuss things without one of us feeling like they lost. And that makes me feel really sad. And that's where I am these days....